On asking for a sign
I can be unbelievably indecisive about things and I have a profound ability to postpone decision making until the 11th hour. At which point I generally cringe make a random choice, recant immediately, make a different choice, take it back and then revert to my original choice. This can go on for any number of minutes or until someone says ‘too late’, often the adolescent waiter who wants to get back to texting his girlfriend. At this point I just accept the choice I’ve made and the consequences. I’m mature like that.
Every time this happens it gets me thinking about destiny and free will. I talk about it endlessly, mostly to myself. That’s a lie. I talk about it to everyone who’ll listen and you’d be surprised how many people will. This inevitably leads to thoughts about how attitude, approach and expectation also play into the infamous free will/destiny debate. I usually find myself in a philosophical tangle at about the same time my dessert arrives and then I succumb to whatever sweet treat it is I have before me and pray that I never lose my inability to appreciate sweets.
But I also spend a sufficient, and by sufficient I mean above average, amount of time pleading with God to give me a sign and not in the Britney Spears way. I feel strange describing myself as a ‘religious’ person not because I don’t subscribe to religious beliefs or engage in religious practices, but because I’ve always felt the term referred to preachers of sorts, which of course is just silly.
Whenever I’m faced with a decision I always pray for a sign. Though I feel prayer is a dignified term that deceives the reader. What I do could be likened to a two year old throwing a tantrum. It begins with a conversation out loud between God and myself. In case you’re wondering it’s a very one-sided conversation and God has never directly spoken to me. Though often I plead that He would- just so I can be clear that I’m interpreting the signs He’s sending my way correctly. I feel that every time we go through this process I end up throwing my hands in the air in an exacerbated fashion begging for a clearer sign. What I’m actually asking for are flashing neon lights and a fireworks display, with a lovely lady dressed in white silk taking me by the hand and quietly but firmly saying ‘this way ma’am’ at which point I am presented an instruction manual by chirping bluebirds who sing and dance and wish me well. But I’d happily settle for a detailed SMS.
Sadly, what I always get are conflicting signs, which do little to ease the anxiety. This always makes me more anxious. It’s a vicious cycle.
So now I’m trying this thing where I stop looking for signs and just do what feels right hoping for the best. So far I have failed miserably.
So I’m asking, do you look for signs? Or are you capable of making decisions in a timely fashion without fretting endlessly about whether it’s the right one? Have any advice? I’d love to hear it so share it below.