You know who you are

forgive me

Dear X,

There is so much to say and yet sometimes we feel that because things happened so long ago we should say nothing at all- that the past should remain behind us. Yet we fail to acknowledge that so much of our present is made up of our past- past experiences, past mistakes and past opportunities.

Those things, the ones we think we should be silent about because they’re ‘not a big deal’ yet we allow to silently fester inside us till they consume us entirely, those things we should talk about. Even if talking about them means yelling at one another and making each other temporarily uncomfortable, we should do it.

We should do it because that discomfort will pass as long as our grievances are aired. We should do it because we both know that if we really didn’t care we wouldn’t still be thinking about what we said or should have said.

I wouldn’t know where to start. But I figure it’s a bit like noodles you just stab your fork into the middle and go for gold.

Take a stab.

Tell me anything.

Tell me everything you’ve wanted to say but always felt you couldn’t. Tell me you hated me when I did that thing you hate. Tell me I made you mad, I hurt you, I upset you.

Tell me that I was selfish, that I betrayed your trust, that what I did was so appalling you could never forgive it.

Yell at me.

Yell at me till you have no energy to keep yelling. Yell at me till I cry and you start to feel satisfied that you’ve made your point.

Let me yell back at you through tears and clenched teeth. Let me call you selfish, unreliable and inconsiderate. Let me explain that your reactions were hurtful. Allow me, in a last burst of frustration, to tell you that I’m not who you think I am, that I want so much of what you have and that your jealousy is unfounded.

Let us go away for some time and process what the other person has said. Let us come back to clarify and maybe yell some more.

Let us be honest and open even if we think the other person doesn’t want to hear it. Let us know that there is merit to what each of us is saying. That the behavior we accuse each other of is not beneath us, that previously we’ve failed to be there.

Let me tell you that I love you unconditionally. Let me apologise for not being who you needed me to be when I should have known better, for expecting more than you could give just because I was impatient.

Let me ask for forgiveness.

Allow me to apologise for not listening or hearing or caring enough when you spoke. Allow me to apologise for ignoring you, neglecting you and never telling you that I would always be there for you.

Allow me to apologise for not being around, for not being your lifeline when I should have been.

Allow me to tell you that I will always love you. I will always care about you and I will always be here because I want to be.

Because you are so strong and caring and kind.

Because you are considerate and capable of love greater than I ever will be and I love these things about you.

Let me care about you. Let me love you and let me be someone who makes you happy.

Let’s do all this because we both know we can’t do nothing much longer.

Love always,
M x